EPISODE 3

Day 7 : the Mastabata tribe awoke at the crack of 10:30, and almost immediately had a pleasant surprise - their chalet was completely free of cockroaches. This turned out to be because of the Butlins food reward they'd won in the previous challenge. Those roaches were big and tough, and fully capable of surviving a nuclear war, but they knew better than to go anywhere near that lamb stew. Pausing only to write a strongly-worded letter to the RSPCA, they packed up and moved out.

It was not such a good start to the day for the Phuqof tribe. For some reason their chalet had become infested with even more roaches than before, and the little bastards had already eaten the last of the tribe's food supply. Faced with no alternative, they sent Beryl out to shoot some more seagulls for breakfast. Beryl was happy enough about this : "Being the food provider must strengthen my position within the tribe. Without me they'd starve, so I must be safe at Tribal Council for the time being". She went off to hunt while the rest of Phuqof plotted how to get hold of her AK47 and then vote her off.

Day 8 - Tree mail

Once again, it was time for the tribes to check their mail and to act surprised for the cameras when they found their messages. It was yet another masterpiece from the budding poet laureate :

You miserable bastards do nothing
But moan and whinge and whine
Now shut the fuck up for a moment
And show the world a sign

The ones who get themselves noticed
Will be able to fill their guts
As usual the unlucky losers
Will get kicked in the nuts.

The challenge was to take place that afternoon, but first the tribes needed to get some lunch. Mastabata had all agreed to give the Butlins food reward a miss, as it was closer to toxic waste than to a nutritious meal, and instead they used some of their precious rice supply. It was Tony's turn to cook, and he decided to make his speciality - mushroom risotto - using the large handful of mushrooms he'd found underneath Ade's matress.......

After lunch, Survivor Outland host Jeff Anal-Probst explained the nature of the day's challenge. It was yet another hackneyed idea which had been used in all the previous Survivor series : "You two tribes are castaways, and as such your greatest wish is to be rescued". After a week in a Butlins camp, most of the Survivors could understand what he meant. "Your task today is to create a signal which will be visible from the air. At 6pm this afternoon a small aircraft will fly over both camps. The one with the more visible signal will win the reward - a stick of Bognor rock each - and the all-important immunity idol".

Phuqof decided to build the word "HELP" in large letters on the ground, and immediately began to break into nearby chalets to steal furniture etc to use in the construction. Karen suggested they should use mirrors as much as possible, as reflection of the sun's light was one of the best ways of attracting the attention of passing aircraft.

Mastabata were less organised, and as the mushroom risotto took effect they all began to act rather strangely - even more strangely than usual. Gemma suggested that she and TJ should both lie naked on the ground next to a large painted sign reading "GET IT HERE". She explained that this method had worked for her in the past; it was how she had first managed to get Gary to notice her. Ade, with a higher tolerance for the mushrooms than the rest of the tribe, was more rational although his suppressed pyromania was beginning to surface again. He began building a huge pile of wood, to use as a beacon fire.

At 6pm the plane flew over the Mastabata camp, and their signal was extremely impressive. From the air Gemma and TJ were very obvious, in more than one way. Their lilywhite English skin was glaring in contrast with the surroundings. Most of the other Mastabatas were leaping around, hooting madly in the grip of a mass hallucination. But best of all was the fire. The huge flames and the column of smoke were almost as unmissable as the loud screams coming from the dozen holidaymakers who had been tied up and placed on the top of the bonfire before it was lit. On the plane, the pilot and Jeff Anal-Probst were very impressed by the audio-visual nature of the Mastabata signal.

The plane headed to Phuqof, but their signal wasn't visible at all. The piles of furniture didn't stand out from the junk and debris that normally litters the ground in a Butlins camp. The mirrors were also ineffective; when suggesting them Karen had evidently forgotten she was at an English seaside resort, where the last bright sunny day had been recorded in 1976. But then, suddenly, the clouds parted momentarily and the sun peeped through. The glare simultaneously reflected by about 2000 mirrors blinded the pilot in a nanosecond. Since he'd never actually seen the Phuqof signal, he announced that Mastabata were the winners, and then began trying to work out how the hell he was going to get Jeff Anal-Probst to land the plane for him. In the end they managed a Numan-style landing in a field, wrecking the plane but getting away alive.

That night few of the Phuqof tribe could sleep, as they were all depressed at the thought of their second successive Tribal Council. At the Mastabata chalet, most of the tribe had come down from their trip and were now sleeping it off. All was quiet, except for Tony's snoring and a few little noises which suggested that Gemma had found a good use for her stick of rock.

Tribal Council

Jeff Anal-probst welcomed Phuqof back to Tribal Council and, pausing only to take the piss out of them for getting their arses kicked again, asked them if they thought anyone in particular was letting them down. Gary replied : "Obviously Ced is a liability, since he has no arms and has been able to do bugger all to help us. But it's always nice to have a cripple or two around, as once the tribes merge they'll be no threat in the individual immunity challenges. So while I think it's mostly Ced's fault I'm going to vote for someone else". Jeff asked Beryl if she felt secure at this Tribal Council. Switching on the laser sights for her AK47, she replied "Pretty much. These guys have heard what happened to the last person who crossed me. And they've all noticed how I bagged all those seagulls - every last one of them had his balls blown off with a single shot". All the male members of the tribe crossed their legs and grimaced.

Beginning with Karen, Jeff called the tribe up to vote. At the table, Karen looked around and asked "Kipper, is your name spelled with a 'C' or a 'K'?". Kipper replied "It's spelled K-A-R-E-N". Once the votes had been cast, Jeff read them out :

1st vote - Kipper
2nd vote - Karen
3rd vote - Kipper
4th vote - Karen
5th vote - Kipper
6th vote - Karen
The 7th and deciding vote had the word "CIPPER" crossed out and "KAREN" written in its place.

Even Jeff Anal-Probst was amazed - the sheer stupidity of that vote would have dumbfounded a lesser man, if only one could have been found. He extinguished Karen's torch saying "Anyone dumb enough to fall for that trick deserves to suffer" as he booted her off the Survivor Outland set and out onto the chat show circuit.

Karen's Final Words

"I must admit it's extremely embarassing to have been outsmarted by Kipper. At least I now get the chance to slag off the other Survivors on all the chat shows".

Next episode

A Survivor disappears into thin air, and foul play is suspected. Find out what happens in the next improbable episode of Survivor Outland.