EPISODE 1

SURVIVOR OUTLAND's premise is simple: Stranded and left to fend for themselves in one of the most life-threatening places on earth, sixteen ordinary people must learn to adapt and survive not only the harsh environment, but more importantly, each other. Every three days the Survivors must gather to vote out one of their own. In the end, the Ultimate Survivor wins one million dollars and a shit-load of commercial endorsements.

The Survivors were met at Bognor Regis railway station, and immediately bundled into a cheap and nasty yellow bus in which they were driven to the Butlins camp. At this stage the contestants were all still blissfully unaware of their final destination, it was only when they greeted at the camp gates by Jeff Anal-Probst dressed as a redcoat that the awful truth finally dawned. Once they had finished puking and crapping themselves with fear the Survivors, now split into two tribes, passed through the gates into Butlins Bognor Regis. The first task for each tribe was to establish a base camp - fortunately at least half the chalets are unoccupied, and eventually both tribes are able to find chalets which are at least close to being habitable. The bunk beds are lumpy, the TV only gets BBC2, the cockroaches are really tough and have tattoos, and there is no running water - about normal for accomodation at Butlins.

Reading the "How To Survive a Holiday at Butlins" guide which has been left in their chalets, the tribes quickly realise that water is going to be a real problem. The only source of water in the camp is the local water hole, or "Olympic size family swimming pool and spa complex" as the Guide calls it. The Guide also mentions that the water has to be boiled for at least 5 minutes before drinking, mainly because of all the little kids who piss in it when they go swimming. The main difficulty is that as yet neither tribe has fire.

The quest for fire

At Phuqof Gary, Beryl and Ced were despatched to fetch water from the pool whilst the rest of the tribe began the attempt to make fire. Tracey remembered "the way to make fire is to rub two pieces of wood together very quickly, so the friction generates enough heat to create sparks". Rrussel and Dave, anxious to establish themselves as useful assets to the tribe, immediately dropped their pants and began to rub their "pieces of wood" together. Sure enough, as they rubbed faster things began to warm up, until small amounts of smoke began to appear. Tracey was just getting some old newspapers ready to act as kindling when Rrussel and Dave unfortunately reached the point of emission shortly before reaching the point of ignition. The resulting ejaculations dampened any possible sparks, and so all the effort they had expended was wasted. By now the other three had rejoined them, after evading the crocodiles in the pool and bringing back enough water to fill the kettle. Tracey now showed the tribe just how resourceful she could be. She called Gary and Kipper into a huddle, ostensibly to discuss forming an alliance which would allow them to royally screw their teammates at Tribal Council. While the guys were attempting to get a quick peek down the front of her shirt she quickly banged their heads together a dozen times. The sparks generated by this were sufficient to light the kindling, and so Phuqof had fire by the end of the first afternoon. As Karen put it "We're sure that getting fire and drinking water so quickly will give us an advantage over the other tribe. Having a supply of water is so important, even though it still tastes like piss after being boiled for an hour".

Over at Mastabata things weren't going so well and there appeared to be friction right from the start. John's offer to guard the food supply didn't make him any friends, and Tessa's offer to sing "Danny Boy" almost led to her being lynched. With no fire, no water and only cold food to eat it was a miserable Mastabata that went to bed that night. They were so dejected that none of them even attempted to get laid.

Day 2

Still without fire, some Mastabatas were beginning to panic. Ade Orange was overheard saying "How can I light a spliff with no fire, man?". Their situation was indeed serious - the first challenge was due that afternoon. Finally, in desperation, TJ suggested that Joe should play his bass for a while, to calm everyone down a little. Within two minutes, as TJ had anticipated, Joe had blown up his amplifier and so inadvertently provided fire for his tribe. Joe was extremely pissed off that TJ received all the credit for this, so whilst a serious problem had been resolved the tension within the tribe continued to mount. At least they could now have a cup of tea.

Tree mail

When the tribes checked their pigeonholes, the following message was waiting for them :

Today's challenge is crucial
To you, lads and lasses
So get up off your butts
And on to your asses

Your tribes are both shaky
Your alliances wonkey
You'll get booted off
If you fall off your donkey

Obviously the tree mail messages are still being written by the idiot used in all the past series of Survivor. He must work cheap. Despite the tree mail being such simplistic crap, the literary giants of the Phuqof tribe are unable to work out its meaning. They are struggling with the big words like "challenge", "crucial", "get" and "is". Eventually, members of the camera crew have to tell Phuqof to be at the Challenge Beach at 14:00..... 2 o'clock in the afternoon......when the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the two.....

At 4:30pm the two tribes finally assembled at the beach for the Challenge. Ced's hopes that the challenge involved shagging donkeys were quickly dashed by Jeff Anal-Probst, who began by telling the Survivors about the long-time Butlins tradition of Donkey Derby races: "Today's challenge pays tribute to that tradition - it is a relay race up and down the beach. The winning tribe wins a reward and immunity". The Immunity Idol for this series is a Gold Record, chosen because this is probably the only opportunity any of these people will get of touching one. The Reward for winning this challenge is a large bag of essential survival items : Durex flavoured condoms, batteries, pornographic videos, vaseline petroleum jelly, some syringes and a bong.

The race itself was neck and neck virtually the whole way, as the two evenly-matched tribes went all out to win. Rrussel's donkey broke a hind leg at one point and stopped running, so while Tony opened up a sizeable lead for Mastabata Rrussel had to resort to underhand tactics. Reaching down, he twisted the donkey's testicles, causing it to reach the relay changeover without its feet even touching the sand and enabling Rrussell to turn a defecit into a small lead for his tribe. On the final leg, however, disaster struck the Mastabata tribe. John's donkey, unaccustomed to carrying such a heavy load, collapsed and died of a heart attack about 50 yards from the finish line. It was so completely dead that even twisting its testicles a la Rrussel didn't move it an inch. Getting to his feet in an instant, John heaved the donkey onto his shoulders and made a dash for the line. It was a magnificent effort but utterly futile, as Karen crossed the line first to win the challenge for Phuqof.

Tribal Council

And so it was that after a day of making alliances, breaking alliances, backstabbing and conniving the unfortunate Mastabatas made their way to the Skyline Pavilion for Tribal Council where the usual TC bullshit occurred. Host Jeff Anal-Probst asked them how they were getting on together, and they each took the opportunity to lie valiantly about having bonded well as a team, having made lifelong friendships etc etc. When questioned, John admitted to feeling vulnerable since he was the one responsible for their loss in the challenge, but he pointed out that his size and strength would be important in the physical challenges, and also reminded the team that they only had roast donkey for dinner thanks to him. After a long discussion, which was mostly boring and hence edited out, the Mastabatas took turns to go and vote out one of their own. When they had finished, Jeff read out the votes :

1st vote - John
2nd vote - Keith
3rd vote - Tessa
4th vote - John
5th vote - John
6th vote - Tessa
7th vote - Tessa
8th and final vote - Tessa

Putting on his sad face, Jeff delivered the coup de grace : "Tessa the tribe has spoken. Get the fuck out of here". He put out her torch and kicked her arse right out the Tribal Council area. As Tessa turned to the camera to deliver her final words, the rest of the tribe made their way back to their chalet.

Tessa's Final Words

"What a bunch of arseholes! How the fuck could they vote me off - I was an asset to that tribe and I didn't kill the fucking donkey. I hope their genitals all get gangrene and drop off. I'm really pissed off at being booted first, as now I won't get any decent endorsement contracts - just the crappy ones like Beef Jerky or Doritos. Shit."

Next episode

Alliances will be broken and lives will be lost, or more accurately taken away by force, and another Survivor will get the Order of the Boot. Make sure you don't miss Episode 2 of Survivor Outland!!