EPISODE 2

At breakfast time (about 11:30 AM) on Day 4, the Mastabata tribe gathered for some food and to discuss the events of last night's Tribal Council. Several tribe members are upset that Tessa got voted off, mainly because Tony's snoring kept them awake half the night so they now wish they'd voted him off instead. As they prepared breakfast, they notice that some food had gone missing. This is remarkable - not so much that the food had gone but that anyone on the tribe was able to count high enough to notice some items were missing. Suspicion quickly fell on John, who had spent most of the game complaining about hunger and imminent malnutrition, until Gemma pointed out that John had spent the entire night throwing up as a result of eating too much donkey the previous day, so he didn't have the opportunity to steal any food. After a few hours of wild accusations, the tribe concluded that the cockroaches were the most likely culprits. They had cetainly become bold, and most of them appeared to be carrying switchblades.

The Phuqof tribe were having pest problems too - the cockroaches in their chalet were also stealing food, and were by now running a lucrative protection racket. Despite this Phuqof were in high spirits - partly due to their intake of illegal substances and partly because of their big win in the first immunity challenge. As Gary put it : "We really think we've got what it takes to win every challenge and kick Mastabata's arses, before we turn on each other and get really nasty". Most of the tribe ganged up on the cockroaches, while Beryl went out with her AK47 to shoot some seagulls for breakfast. As there were tens of thousands of gulls around the camp it wasn't long before she returned with half a dozen, which Karen plucked and cooked. Dave : "The seagulls tasted incredibly bad! I find it hard to believe that on old bag-lady like Karen isn't able to cook seagulls better than that. I think I'd rather eat the cockroaches." The tribe had expected the gulls to taste better, imagining they lived off freshly caught fish and cockles. In fact the gulls lived entirely off carrion scavenged from the camp dump. They spent all day wandering amongst the junked cars, broken bottles, discarded Radio Heart singles and rotting carcasses, searching out anything edible.

Alliance building

By now everyone was desperately trying to find a few people they could trust, in the hope of forming an alliance which could save their sorry butts for a few episodes at least. At Phuqof, the female tribe members were getting suspicious that Kipper and Gary had formed an alliance, as they were constantly together for the entire day. It was only in the evening that everyone discovered that Gary and Kipper's closeness was simply because Dave had tied their shoelaces together for a joke.

In the Mastabata tribe the alliance-building had been more intensive. First of all Joe formed an alliance with Tessa, which only lasted about half an hour before he remembered she'd been voted off the previous night. Joe then got together with TJ and Gemma, whilst John reached an agreement with TJ, Ade and Tony. Keith was originally not allied with anyone, because no-one could remember who the hell he was, but after getting TJ drunk on lighter fuel he managed to form an alliance with her. By mid-afternoon Joe, TJ and Gemma's alliance had split up due to "artistic differences", but they soon realised they now had no choice but to stick together since the rest of the tribe had already formed their own cliques.

Day 5 - Tree mail

Today's tree mail was, if anything, even crappier than the previous one :

This show's full of cliches
It's disgusting and crude
And for today's big challenge
You've gotta eat some gross food

So come down to the beach
And have a good laugh
Watching the other tribe
Blow chunks, puke and barf

Everyone, even Ade who was totally addled with acid at the time, was aware this could only mean one thing - the trouble was they weren't sure what that one thing was. When they got down to the beach Jeff Anal-Probst brought them up to date : "Usually on Survivor we have two challenges per episode, a Reward Challenge and an Immunity Challenge. In this series were are only going to have one per episode, which will be a combined reward and Immunity challenge. This is, of course, simply due to the problems we faced in the last-minute change of location for this series, as many of the challenges we had prepared are not possible in this environment. It is not caused by the webpage author's inability to dream up enough stupid challenges to keep this thing going for 13 weeks. Anyway, today's challenge is one of the favourites of all Survivor viewers - the Gross Food Challenge. In previous series we have forced our contestants to eat beetle grubs, cow brains, mangrove worms and Chicken McNuggets; and we intend to continue this theme by presenting you with a selection of the nastiest items the Butlins food hall inflicts on those poor people who eat there. I'll spin the wheel, and whatever comes up will have to be eaten by a member of each tribe. Anyone who eats their food item and manages to keep it down for at least 5 minutes scores a point for their team. The team with the most points at the end wins Immunity plus the reward, which is a banquet meal prepared by the Butlins food hall for the winning tribe".

First up were Karen and John, and it was just as well the tribes selected their least discerning eaters to go first because they were unlucky enough to get the liver. This is nasty even at the best of times, but when prepared by the Butlins kitchen it's enough to put a wolverine off its food. To Karen, however, it was an improvement on her normal diet, so she found it relatively easy to manage. John found the taste disgusting, but fortunately for him the strongest muscles in his entire body are those used to propel food down through his digestive tract, so he was able to keep the liver down.

Next were Kipper and Tony, up against the brussel sprouts. The guys were nothing if not game, so holding their noses they tried to force the sprouts down. Within 15 seconds they both turned the same putrid green colour as the sprouts. Within 30 seconds they both began projectile vomiting, spraying out fountains of steaming green bile which Linda Blair would have been proud of. Oddly enough the stuff they brought up was somehow more appetising than the sprouts had been. Both guys failed to score, so it remained at Phuqof 1, Mastabata 1.

Gary and Ade were faced with black pudding, which is responsible for the high breakfast mortality rate at most Butlins holiday camps. Gary, grateful that he didn't have to change the habit of a lifetime by eating vegetable matter, managed to convince himself the black pudding was a variety of sausage. This form of mind over matter worked, and he ate it without too much trouble. It didn't come back up, though the next time he needed to have a dump he sincerely wished it had done. Ade had come down from his morning acid trip and had been toting a few spliffs since, resulting in a severe case of the munchies. He didn't just eat the black pudding, he actually asked for more. Phuqof 2, Mastabata 2.

Dave and Joe could consider themselves particularly unfortunate to get the lamb stew with dumplings. It looked as if it had been obtained from the local sewage treatment plant, and smelled even worse. Just as they were about to start, a large fly landed on Dave's stew, struggled briefly, and then dissolved. Though he had previously claimed he would eat anything, Dave baulked at this. Joe provided a big surprise by not only eating his stew but licking the plate clean. "It's better than the shit we ate on the Warriors Tour" he said, not realising that his food on that tour only tasted of shit because his disgruntled comrades had been putting shit into it when he wasn't looking. Phuqof 2, Mastabata 3.

Rrussel and TJ were next, having to contend with overcooked cabbage. This delicacy is a staple of English cuisine, especially favoured in school dinners, hospital meals and Butlins camps, and is made by nuking the cabbage in a pressure cooker for at least 48 hours. The resulting slop is generally eaten with a spoon, or even drunk through a straw, though in Northern Ireland they also use it in Molotov Cocktails. Both Survivors drank it down quickly, so as to bypass the taste buds if at all possible. Rrussel did chuck it up again, but outside the 5 minute time limit, so Mastabata maintained their lead in the challenge.

Ced and Keith got the rissoles. poor bastards. It was no contest. Keith did manage to pick his rissole up, which was beyond Ced since he had no arms, but neither of them got any further before they both hurled bigtime. The scores were now : Rissoles 2, Survivors 0; Phuqof 3, Mastabata 4.

Gemma and Tracey thought they'd been very lucky when they found they had to eat the rhubarb crumble, as they didn't think that even Butlins cooks could create a truly nasty dessert. It's a mistake that generations of Butlins holidaymakers have made before them. This particular dessert is known as "crumble" because of its effect on the bowels - it digests the intestines instead of the other way around. Fortunately for Gemma and Tracey, this didn't occur until after their 5 minutes were up, so they both scored a point. Phuqof 4, Mastabata 5.

Because Phuqof had one less member, John was selected to take an extra turn, against Beryl and a plate of jellied eels. Whilst this is a dish guaranteed to nauseate almost anyone, it had little effect on either of this pair, presumably because they had grown up in East London and so were used to the stuff. John looked confident right from the start, and guzzled his eels accordingly. The challenge was won! Jeff Anal-Probst handed the Immunity Idol to the victorious Mastabata tribe, and told the Phuqofs to keep tomorrow evening free for their date at Tribal Council.

Tribal Council

It was a dejected Phuqof tribe at Tribal Council. They had been so confident of winning the challenge, but the sheer disgustingness of the food had defeated them. They all looked nervous and vulnerable, except Beryl who just sat there cleaning her AK47 with an oily rag. Jeff asked Dave if he was worried, since he was the one who barfed whilst his opponent didn't. "I am worried, yeah. I think they've got it in for me now. This morning I heard them discussing which of them was going to get my bunk once they'd booted me". Several other Phuqofs denied Dave was a target, though it was noticeable just how many of them seemed to have their fingers crossed. One by one the tribe voted, and finally Jeff read the verdict :

1st vote - Dave
2nd vote - Dave
3rd vote - Dave
4th vote - Dave
5th vote - Dave
6th vote - Dave
7th vote - Dave
8th and final vote - Dave

For the first time on Survivor a contestant actually voted for himself. As usual, Jeff extinguished Dave's torch and then used it to belt his arse out of the Tribal Council area.

Dave's Final Words

"Of course I'm disappointed. I came here to win a million dollars, because having that kind of money would really help me to get laid. But that stew was just too horrible, even for me. I'd like to say what a great experience Survivor Outland has been, but I don't like telling lies so I won't".

Next episode

Can our Survivors sink any lower? Can their standards slip any deeper into the gutter? Of course they can, as you'll see in next week's episode of Survivor Outland.