Amongst his many achievements, Gary Numan has been the greatest all-round sportsman the world has ever seen. There hardly seems to be any sport which he can't master within a few days of first taking it up, except that he never really did very well at tiddlywinks or dwarf tossing (in the latter case this was because there was usually some discussion as to who should be tossing who).
On this page, Outland is proud to showcase one of the highlights of Gary's stellar sporting career.
The ancient and, let's face it, rather stupid Japanese sport of Sumo Wrestling was for many years closed to foreigners, and it wasn't until the 1980s that non-Japanese were really accepted into the sport. Gary Numan first saw Sumo when he visited Japan in 1980, and was immediately fascinated. He began sumo wrestling as a hobby, but as his weight increased in inverse proportion to his record sales he began to take the sport more seriously. By 1992 his weight in kilograms was approximately equal to the number of CD units he was selling, so he decided to see if he could make a new career in Sumo.
Gary was only moderately successful, until his enormous consumption of sausages came to his aid. During a bout in an important tournament, Gary let rip with an enormous and very deadly fart. His opponent fell dead instantaneously, and most of the first three rows of the audience committed harikiri instead of put up with the stench. From that point on, Gary's position as champion was assured.
Whilst at his peak, Gary truly struck fear into his opponents. Many of them were so terrified that they tried to appease him by giving him blow jobs, in the hope that they'd at least escape with their lives.
Gary's dominance of the Sumo world continued for several years, until disaster struck. It came as such a surprise to everyone who was there that fateful day. Gary was matched against a seven year old girl, the only person in Japan who dared take him on. To avoid having to make any physical effort at all, Gary simply let rip and waited for her to die. Unknown to almost everyone, she turned out to have no sense of smell, so she survived the assault and using Gary's weight against him she easily won the fight. From that moment the mystique of Numo the Sumo was finished, and soon his career was finished too.