It's Raining Fans. Remember all that stuff Gary recently wrote on his News page, about having a growing army of excellent fans? For some reason the tone of his little rant made me think of this..... Mortgage rates are rising - bank balance is getting low According to my website, NuStreet's the place to go 'Cos tonight, for the first time Since who the fuck knows when I'm gonna make lotsa money It's gonna start raining fans It's raining fans! Hallelujah! - It's raining fans! Amen! I'm gonna milk 'em dry and let myself get Absolutely stinking rich It's raining fans! Hallelujah! It's raining fans! An army of them! Pounds, marks, bucks and yen Give 'em to me 'cos I love THEM God bless Mother Nature, she's a greedy bastard too I cut her in for ten percent 'cos she helped me fleece you She taught every angel to make the fans all love me So they buy all the mouse mats and the new photo CD It's raining fans! Hallelujah! - It's raining fans! Amen! It's raining fans! Hallelujah! - It's raining fans! Amen! I see lots of money / Rolling in through the door Screw the album / Now that I'm ahead I'll take it easy and stay in bed Fans, please buy all my products, even when they're really bad So that I can buy a caravan for my old Mum and Dad I've milked all my old fans, now they've got no more dosh Which makes them no-life whingers, so they can all fuck off It's raining fans! Bank balance is rising - now that I'm earning a groat It's time for me to go out, and buy myself a boat 'Cos tonight, for the first time Since who the fuck knows when I'm gonna make lotsa money It's gonna start raining fans It's raining fans! Hallelujah! - It's raining fans! Amen! It's raining fans! Hallelujah! - It's raining fans!     I Diet : You Diet. This is not lunch This is not even fit for rabbit food In KFC I Pause for effect and whisper "Screw the diet" Green salads taste like shit to me And I diet : you diet Sausages seem to beckon me And I diet : you diet See my guts, they hang out my shirt Bastards, bastards, bastards But I will get thin Even though I'll suffer I will lose the weight But I don't feel full Does anyone ever really eat this crap? Green salads taste like shit to me And I diet : you diet Sausages seem to beckon me And I diet : you diet See my guts, they hang out my shirt Bastards, bastards, bastards But I'm still running to the Burger King     She's Got Boobs. By Linda Astrup They are distracting And all these men might fall They all like size I am attractive Now I've got both of these They go up and down Chorus : She's got boobs, she's got boobs, she's got boobs but the doctor knows they're boobs made of plastic They could easily explode Why won't you love me? Maybe you would If I should let you feel They don't believe me They said "fake" I nearly gave up hope But I stand my ground All the more Screaming "my boobs are huge" You can't reach 'round I've got more Than you could ever achieve Too much saline-sol-ution I'm not sure repeat chorus. Laughing my head off My boobs will charm Then suffocate the boys They ain't gonna leave soon Shouts for more My blouse is just so tight.     Constipation. Oh it's not easy When farts take over My constipation Means nothing more than gas You hear me straining So loud and frantic I've no intentions Of taking laxatives My constipation There are no turds There is no shit I can not defecate I just make a noise You eat fresh fruit You eat brown rice You are so regular You are full of shit There is no faeces This is my complex You get the picture? I'm getting piles They drive me to tears I'll try some bran flakes When did I last "go"? I can't remember My constipation My constipation.....     My Varicose Veins. Stroll to the cafe Shit, my legs hurt! I feel the blood running As another vein bursts. I've spent my whole life standing Singing songs on the stage But my legs just can't take it Now that I'm middle-aged. Mum said too much wanking Would make me go blind Well my eyes are OK But my legs are on fire. So I'm here at the hospital Cursing my bad luck I need an operation To fix the bastards up Here am I, legs feel like they're aflame Here am I, my life is full of pain Here am I, it's driving me insane Here am I, still suffering from varicose veins. They hurt so much it makes me cry It really is embarassing. After the operation A visit from the doc "I'm afraid there was a mix-up And we gave your balls the chop" So my bloody legs still hurt And I'm minus my gonads But now I reach the high notes So it's not all bad Here am I, legs feel like they're aflame Here am I, my life is full of pain Here am I, it's driving me insane Here am I, still suffering from varicose veins. They hurt so much it makes me cry It really is embarassing. My varicose veins My varicose veins My varicose veins My varicose veins My varicose veins     Viagra. It's up!, It's down It won't stay hard at all I need Viagra Pull it, Lick it That used to work before I need Viagra My sex life is over It's floppy Forever She's tempting Sex tension But it just won't move Please help me I'm flaccid I want an Erection I don't know The answer Impotence kills me I can't Get it up It won't even twitch now I can't Get a stiffy Touch me Suck on this It might help a bit Don't laugh Stop being cruel How did I ever get impotent? Oysters Don't work I've eaten tons of them I need Viagra Porn films Don't work I've watched them all before I need Viagra I'll show you My willy It might just Amuse you Listen to Opinion I'm right up shit creek "It's funny" She whispers I think she Is a bitch Remember My problem Bring your vibrator I need Viagra     Down In The Pub. Although it's not widely-known, when Gary was touring Australia in 1980, he recorded a special version of Down In The Park, aimed at the Australian market. The music was basically the same as in the original, except that some of the keyboards were replaced with digeridoos, and Rolf Harris was hired to provide a wobble-board solo. The lyric was as follows: Down in the pub Where the Aussie men Drink lots of beer And get pissed in numbers Down in the pub With a Foster's or five I'll have a car crash If I drive home But I'll try to Just the same I'll try to run down Some slow tourists Come to King's Cross A place to pick up Drunk and Easy sheilas You can watch the hookers Trying to score Oh look There's a poker machine I'll just go there And lose my month's pay You wouldn't believe My fucking bad luck Down in the pub Where the chant is "Beer beer beer" Until the cops arrest us Down in the pub With mates of mine "We are not poofters We are not romantics We are here to shag you" The mating call Of the Aussie male. This version was never released because, in the words of the head of WEA Australia, "it's a load of shite".