The Strange But True Story of Russell

Many strange stories have been told about Gary Numan's hair. Some of them are true, some are just rumours. Others are malicious lies, and the rest are just utter bollocks. But here, for the first time ever, the truth can at last be told.
Up until about 1993 the rumours are largely accurate - Gary's hair was his own. It had cost him a lot of money, but he definitely owned it. But after watching himself in his Dream Corrosion video, Gary decided that his hair transplant just wasn't doing the business any more. This was, of course, something the fans had realised long before, as they had taken to doing "Join The Dots" on Gary's head on some of his publicity photos.
Gary carefully weighed up his options. He considered the pros and cons of another normal transplant, as well as the newer micrografting operation. But seeing as his bank balance was about half a million quid in the red at the time he had to be realistic and go for something within his budget. So he went down to the local RSPCA shelter and got a black cat, which he trained to sit on the top of his head. This was not an easy task, and initially required the use of several industrial staples until the cat got the hang of it.

This new felinoplasty was very successful, and in some strange Samson way Gary's career has been on the up ever since the time when he first stapled the cat to his head. Most people have believed Gary's hair to be entirely natural, or at least they've mostly kept a straight face. The only source of dissent was on the AFENet message board, where some people claimed that Gary had taken to wearing a dead crow on his head. Whilst this was an outrageous slander, Gary had a sufficiently good sense of humour to name the cat Russell as a result.
Everything went well for several years until, tragically, Gary and Russell fell out. Or, to be more exact, Russell fell off. It was a very unfortunate accident - Gary was rehearsing Cars for a recent one-off gig. As usual, the song sent Russell to sleep. When Gary began to headbang, Russell began to slip off Gary's head. Waking up with a start, Russell reacted in typical cat fashion and dug his claws in, reopening all Gary's original transplant scars. There was a huge argument about whose fault it was, in which both parties said things they probably regretted later. Gary told Russell he was fired, and Russell told Gary he could record his next album himself, instead of going sailing and leaving all the work to Russell.

In the end, the bust-up became as acrimonious as Gary's split with his former band Mean Street, with the difference being that Gary didn't try to shag Russell's girlfriend after the split.
Now these two, who were once so inseperable, refuse to even see each other. Gary has been looking for alternatives, and looks set to launch his new There's Something About Gary look, with the aid of a Giant Persian Long-haired Gerbil.

Russell, however, has been in great demand. Famous people all over the world have been clamouring for his services. Because of the excessive demand, he has had to become a Franchise. He has hired a number of lookalikes, and given them intensive training. They are now being made available to the public and are already becoming exceedingly fashionable. The following photos are taken from Russell's new catalogue :

Need a disguise in a hurry? Not a problem. Simply order a Russell^TM today and even the cleverest SmartBomb won't recognise you.

Is your mistress a dog? Never mind, you can always replace your hair with a cat.

Dubya is wearing a genuine Russell^TM. Tony is desperate to copy Dubya, as usual, but doesn't have as much money. So he opted for Russell's cheaper model, named Sheryl after his sister. Though made of man-made fibres, Sheryl^TM looks almost indistinguishable from Russell^TM, at least from a distance.

Queen Elizabeth was so impressed by Prince Charles' new look that she has now insisted that every Buckingham Palace guardsman must wear a Russell^TM whilst on duty.