As you are probably aware, my home city of Sydney is due to host the 2000 Olympic Games. As per usual, the city will also be host to the associated Paralympics as well as, for the first time, the Numalympics. The latter, a new addition to the Olympic movement, involves Numanoids from all over the world competing in Numan-related events. It is a big step forward for Numanity, as previously Numan sports were only featured in specialised local Games. For those of you who have not previously come across Numan Games, here are some of the events which will be featured :

Pole Vault

The object of this event is to be able to vault over the sets from Numan tours. In the qualifying rounds competitors have the relatively easy task of vaulting over the lower part of the set used in the Fury tour, but from there it gets progressively more difficult. In the final, some vaulters start with the Touring Principle set, whilst others choose not to jump until the bar reaches the Teletour set level. The World record is held by the late, great Numan vaulter Sergei Bubka, who was tragically killed whilst making a heroic attempt to vault over the lightshow used in the 1981 Wembley concerts. Bubka crashed into the top 'spaceship' part, short-circuiting the lights and causing himself to be splattered all over the place in a really gory mess. Yuk.

Carry Your Numan Record Collection

This is a very simple event, in which completists try to carry their entire Numan record collections as far as possible. Each competitor's score consists of the number of records multiplied by the distance he/she carried them. The current world record is held by Scotsman Joe McWaiter (pictured), who carried 3000 records for 3 kilometres. At the end of the event he carefully put his collection away and then collapsed and had to be taken to hospital. When a reporter asked him for a quote, Joe was heard to mutter "For fuck's sake, no more fucking Receiver Records compilations..."

Whack a Hack

An unidentified NME hack goes down for the count. Serves the bastard right.

This is always a big crowd puller at any Numanoid Games. In a series of grudge matches, Numan fans come face to face with New Musical Express journalists, and for half an hour they try to beat the shit out of each other. Unlike traditional boxing, from which this sport evolved, there are few rules. Ear-biting is not banned, indeed it is positively encouraged and may soon be made compulsory. The NME hacks are usually formidable opponents, as they fight with the same ferocity they put into their reviews of Numan albums. However, being complete fuckwits they can be beaten by anyone with even a modicum of cunning. In my own famous title fight with Nick Kent, I was well behind on points when I pointed over his shoulder and called out "Watch out, it's the Alien Queen". He of course fell for it, and one quick knee in the happy sacks turned the fight irrevocably in my favour.

The dash for the Front Row

This very popular event is based on the mad dash to get to the front of the theatre once the doors have been opened. Because the competition was always so stiff, some Numanoids began to use starting blocks and to wear running gear in place of the more traditional Machman, Warriors or Berserker costumes. Over the years this trend developed further, with many fans keeping a record of their Personal Best time. Five years ago the Guinness Book of Records began recognising the World Record for the fastest dash at the Labatt's Apollo (nee Hammersmith Odeon), and now it has been added to the Numalympics.

Nick Fox Hunting

A couple of years ago, a group of irate Numanoids got together and decided to lynch Nick Fox, the enfant terrible of the Numan Digest. After much discussion, they decided not to lynch him, as he would not suffer enough that way. And besides, they couldn't catch him. So instead, they decided to Call Out The Dogs, believing that a pack of hounds would a) be able to catch him and b) rip him into pieces in a really painful way. They then decided to follow the hunt on horseback, so they would get a good view of the carnage, and they took to wearing red jackets so the blood wouldn't show. Despite their best efforts, Nick is still alive at the moment, but they promise to finish him off at the 2000 Numalympics. Nick Fox hunting is the only bloodsport which is endorsed by the League Against Cruel Sports. A spokesman for LACS said "Some people just deserve to suffer....."

Synchronised Posing

Some contestants from the 1985 British Open Synchronised Posing Championships. Gary entered this event under a false name, and came fourth.

Participants dressed in their favorite Numan costumes are placed in front of a large TV screen and must perform along with Gary to the song of their choice from one of his live shows. Points are deducted for missed "air biting", failure to point to the crowd, and posing in the wrong posture. However, contestants who miss lyrics are not penalized as Gaz himself can only remember half of them anyway. World record holder Andy M. from England hopes to repeat his Gold Medal performance. Thanks to Robert Trousdale for this event.

Spitting The Dummy

Numa-whingers stand in a line, with babies' dummies in their mouths. They then simply have to spit the dummy out as far as possible. Whereas the English Olympic team is unlikely to pick up many medals at the 2000 Olympic Games, there is no doubt at all that England will win all three medals in this Numalympics event (they always do). Watch out for a possible world record, as the Numa-whingers will probably be in fine form after the release of Gary's next album and the accompanying tour.