Gary Numan fans used to be isolated creatures. Faced with universal sneering from the great unwashed they locked themselves away and listened to their Numan records in peace.
Thanks to the Internet, that is all changing. Numanoids are discovering other like-minded souls. They are meeting, mixing, marrying and breeding. Their offspring have an inbred genetic liking for Gary Numan, which has been reinforced by their in-utero exposure to Numan music and their constant bombardment with it once they are actually born.
Naturally, these second-generation Numanoids want, nay demand, the very latest Gary Numan merchandise. Numanoids'R'Us is the first shop dedicated to
Our catalogue currently contains the following items. More will follow soon.
To commemorate the first anniversary of the missed deadline for completion of the follow-up to Pure, Numanoids'R'Us in association with Pisstake Products are proud to announce the release of a brand new range of Gary Numan Inaction Figures. We are sure every Numan fan will want to collect the whole set. We damn well hope so, because our profit margin on this crap is enormous, and we're hoping to use the money to buy a boat. Maybe two. Big shiny new ones.
|Gary hard at work on tour||Gary working on the new album|
Forget Tamagotchi. Forget SimCity. With the Numagotchi Virtual Career you can have over 20 years of fun! To keep your Numagotchi alive you have to "feed" it with record deals and CD sales - the more it gets the healthier and stronger your virtual career becomes. Compare full tours versus one-off "sparkly" gigs - see which one is best for the virtual fan base. Sign contracts with IRS and see if you can survive that! Gamble your fans in a bid to break the US market. It's all part of the fun.
Created in 1978, Numagotchi became hugely popular a year later, although most of them seemed to die suddenly in 1981. Some appeared to expire from natural causes, although euthanasia and suicide were suspected in a large number of cases. Despite a gradual decline in numbers over the years since then there are still a number of hard-core survivors. Many people have kept their Numagotchi alive by personally buying as many CDs as possible, which could be considered to be cheating.
"I've been able to keep mine alive, but it never seems to get any healthier." - T.Webb
"Ours appeared to die from neglect years ago. We recently had the chance to buy another one, but we weren't really interested. Instead, we borrowed someone else's and with almost no effort on our part it is doing quite well." - Beggars Banquet.
"We don't want one. We don't think they'll ever amount to anything." - Arista Records
"Whoever invented this thing should have been doctored to prevent them from ever creating anything." - NME
|Gaz in a Box|
|The Jack in a Box is an old favourite. Some kids love them, others are scared shitless. For hundreds of years parents have been buying these toys to amuse or terrorise their brats. Our version features a realistic looking Numan face - you can choose between Berserker, Warriors or Replicas colour schemes.|
|Telekon Romper Suit|
|Your child will look so cute as a Space Cadet in this new Telekon uniform. Made out of genuine polyester, it comes in a variety of sizes and will make all the other Numanoid kids jealous. Also available - matching nappies.|
|Is your child scared of the dark? Our new nightlight will keep his/her bedroom light enough to allow a good night's sleep. Just plug it in, switch it on, and it perfectly duplicates Gary's 1980 Teletour lightshow all night long. Requires 3000 small light bulbs (available seperately).|
|Scary NME journalist Masks|
Every child likes to wear a scary costume for Halloween, and young Numanoids are no exception. This range of scary masks allows your child to pretend to be the NME journalist of his/her choice. They look just like the real thing!.
Note : The Nick Kent mask has been withdrawn from sale, owing to the inordinate number of deaths last year.
|Desperately want that "blue baby" look? Our new baby Berserker makeup kit is what you need! The white pancake and blue lipstick are both easy to apply, and to keep your baby's skin safe from the sun they are both SPF15+. The bright blue hair dye is very gentle and won't sting if it gets in baby's eyes. Don't worry if your baby hasn't got much hair yet - that will only make him/her look all the more authentic.|
|Radio Controlled Harvard|
|Perform aerobatics in comfort and safety with this remote controlled Harvard plane. Comes complete with white paint and Japanese Zero transfers. Also available - Cessna 210 Centurion, guaranteed to make a forced landing at the most embarassing moment.|
|Babies will love our new musical mobile. Wind it up and four little machmen spin around and sing "Down in the Park" to delight your little ankle-biter.|