Change to set list for Numan gigs Gary Numan has announced that he will play Cars three times during each live gig from now on. This decision was made at the request of a number of fans, who are all getting on a bit now and so need more toilet breaks.     Gemma Webb's boob job. Gary getting a sneaky feel of Gemma's enhanced boobs Gemma Webb recently underwent a rather extreme breast enlargement operation, resulting in her startling new 87ZZ bust size. The operation was a complete success, though she has not yet been able to find a bra capable of hitching them more than a couple of feet above ground level. Gary is apparently very pleased with his wife's new boobs, though when asked for a comment he was unable to stop drooling for long enough to give a coherent reply.     New PR guy predicts Crazier will be a hit The new man in charge of Gary Numan's media relations, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, is predicting the forthcoming Numan/Rico single Crazier will be a huge hit throughout the civilised world (and America). In a media release issued today, he claimed "Gary Numan has a growing army of new fans, who will all buy the single and so it is guaranteed to be a Number One hit". Mr al-Sahaf recently joined the Numan organisation after losing his job as Iraqi Information Minister.     Tony and Beryl's new caravan. Gary has bought Tony and Beryl a new caravan, to replace the one that was stolen recently; which was itself a replacement for the one stolen the month before; which was a replacement for the one stolen 2 weeks before that; etc etc etc. This new caravan should be less likely to be stolen, since it comes with some in-built anti-theft features.     Numan's home porn video A few months ago, the video for I Die : You Die was "found under Gary's bed" and subsequently shown on British television. This earth-shattering find led Gary and Tony Webb to search under Gary's bed again, to see what else might turn up. There, behind the porn magazines and the nasty wads of crumpled Kleenex, was another unmarked video cassette. This turned out to be none other than the footage Gary took of himself having sex with Tracey Adam, way back in 1989. Obviously this is not in the best taste, but it's still considerably better than many of the videos which have been sold to Numan fans in the past, so it is to be made available for sale on NuStreet in the next month of two. The title of the video will be Dick Tracey.     Gary's sailing career. Gary Numan's love affair with boats has become so serious that he's just joined the Royal Navy. To avoid being given a hard time by his shipmates, Gary enlisted under a false name. As usual he kept his real first name, but instead of Webb or Numan he is calling himself Gary Staines, after the suburb where he grew up. He is therefore known in the Navy as Ordinary Seaman Staines. Time will tell whether or not Gary will end up regretting singing a song with the words "I fell in love with a sailor".     Star Wars tributes to Numan. The recent spate of Numan cover versions and tribute albums is about to get another boost, with the release of 2 Star Wars Numan albums. The first to be released will be Yoda'a album of Numan covers; titled Every Day I Jedi, it features Yoda's distinctive vocals on all his favourite Numan songs. The track listing is as follows : Dream of Wires, I do Glass, We Are Claws, She Has Stop, I Cannot Like Clock Law, Love Is Disconnect From You, I do Rember, Vapour I Was Die I Do : Die You Will A Technical, We Have Walk In My Soul, You do Too bad, That Is Breathe, I Cannot   This will be followed by a tribute album featuring several other Star Wars characters. George Lucas is not yet releasing full details of this project, but the album is believed to include the following tracks : Obi Wan Perfect Lie Sith Wreckage Stormtroopers in Drag Sleep By Windu Dark Side Sunday Call Out The Droids New Thing From Coruscant Town Boys Like Padme A Subway Called Naboo I Nearly Married A Gungan   The definitive Numan compilation album. A new Gary Numan compilation CD is about to hit the shops. Titled The Usual Suspects it is a completely new type of compilation album. It was conceived as a compilation of the tracks found on all the other compilation albums; a "Best of The Best Ofs of Gary Numan". Gary's label hopes this will be viewed as the ultimate, definitive Numan compilation. At least until next one (due to be released next month, immediately after the "Collector's Edition" reissue of this one. The album's highlights include Cars (original version), Cars "E Reg model, Cars (that live version which was on all those Numa-era compilations because Gary didn't own the rights to the studio recording), Are "Friends" Electric? - original and Numa cash-in live versions, Down In The Park - original and Numa cash-in live versions, and most of the songs off the Pure album, to make it look like Gary's released a real album recently. Unsurprisingly the album also includes Voix. Let's face it, it's on just about everything Numan releases these days, and will continue to be released until someone actually likes it. The album is to be released on Gary's own Buggered Halo label (part of Awful Records).     Gary Numan arrested at CD signing. Gary Numan's attempted comeback came to a screeching halt at what was supposed to be a triumphant signing session in London. In a bizarre publicity stunt, Numan attempted to promote his 197th compilation CD Exposure by turning up wearing nothing but a large smile. Ironically, he was arrested by the same policemen who had booked him in 1981. One of them was heard to comment "no-one's ever going to mistake THAT for a rounders bat". Mr Numan is now making all sorts of new friends in Wormwood Scrubs.     Numan buys new boat. As he indicated on his website, Gary Numan has used the money from recent mouse mat and photo CD sales to buy himself a new boat. Numan himself was unavailable for comment but a spokesman, who sounded on the phone suspiciously like Gary Numan with a hanky over his mouth, denied that sales of the mouse mats and all that other shit have been disappointing. Careful investigation of Numan's garbage bin, however, did reveal a number of of luxury cruiser catalogues, all ripped up into little pieces.     Controversy and new NUMA logo. There has been considerable controversy amongst Gary Numan fans as to whether he's a normal guy trying to get on with his life and make a living, or whether he's a money-grabbing tosser. There is still a fanbase out there, which is "an ever-increasing army of genuine fans" according to the Numan camp, or "half a dozen rabid retards" according to his critics. The more cynical fans, or ex-fans to be more accurate, believe Numan's recent actions to be totally unethical, and claim that the new Numa logo (see below) is symptomatic of Gary's approach to making money out of his fans.     New edition of Pure. Eagle Records have decided to boost sales of the Pure album by releasing a number of different editions, designed to appeal to various minority groups. The first cab off the rank is to be Pure - Necrophiliac edition, which features partial rewrites of the song lyrics and re-recorded vocals. The following snippets of the new lyrics have been leaked by Eagle's Marketing team, and they should really whet the appetites of necrophiliacs everywhere : Pure I want to feel your blue dead skin...... and Hey, stiff, this is what you are Putrified, oxidised, mummified....... One Perfect Lay I kneel down by your grave I kneel down torn and horny...... My Jesus It feels so cold inside of you..... Apparently the new version of Walking with Cadavers is a killer, and is being considered for release as a single.     Numan to star in sequel. Martin Clunes has now finished writing the screenplay for the sequel to Hunting Venus. The new film will also have an 80's retro theme, but this time it will be about 5 ex-groupies who decide to relive their past by shagging 80's pop stars. Gary will again have an encounter in the toilet, but instead of peeing on someone's shoe he will be coming all over a groupie's dress. Currently using the working title Hunting Penis, the movie is likely to go into production in the second half of 2001 .     Numanoid murdered in London. Police are investigating the murder of a Gary Numan fan in London last night. Officers assigned to the case currently have no leads, and no idea as to the motive for the cruel attack, though a spokesman did say that "Numanoids have been getting shit for years".     Beggar's Banquet to release Randon 2.5. Beggars Banquet are planning a follow up to the "Random 2" remixes album. Called "Random 2.5", this is an exciting new concept which involves getting in a whole load of DJs and producers to take the master tapes from Random 2 and come up with tracks which don't sound like absolute shite.     Nu Klux Klan strikes again. The dreaded Nu Klux Klan has surfaced again in London. The gang of fanatical Numanoids, wearing their characteristic white bedclothes complete with semen stains, set fire to the NME offices for the fifth time this year. Their leader, the self-styled "Imperial Grand Dragon With Large Testicles" was quoted as saying "They all deserve to die. They are Numan-bashing, Weller-loving scum". The BBC have doubled the guard on the Radio One studios until the NKK menace subsides.     NME offices bombed again. The head office of the New Musical Express have again been the target of a parcel bomb - the third in the last 2 months. A Scotland Yard spokesman said that the bomb had all the hallmarks of the so-called "Numabomber", particularly the message "Eat this you pricks!!!!!" which was written on the outer wrapping.     Eagle's marketing strategy. Eagle Records may not have impressed too many Numan fans with their promotion of Exile when it was released in the UK, but they have now started to show signs of a clever marketing strategy. Eagle have become aware of an Australian mental patient who suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder. He has an estimated 40 different personalities, over half of which are Numan fans, and most of these had bought import copies of Exile. Eagle have recognised that whereas the normal Numan fan will only buy one or two copies of a particular album, the average MPD sufferer will buy several. Even better, people with Alzheimer's disease may conceivably buy a copy every half an hour, forgetting that they already have it. The label has therefore decided to target the mentally ill market in a big way. Exile tracks are to be played constantly on the in-house systems in mental hospitals all over the world. It is hoped that the sales of the album will increase dramatically once the campaign takes off. The potential sales from the Australian Federal Parliament alone are substantial, as it is recognised as the largest political asylum in the country. The marketing department of Beggars Banquet are reported to be very pissed off at this news. For years they have said they did not know how to market Gary Numan (apart from milking his back catalogue for every penny they can get), and now Eagle Records have worked out how to do it only a few months after signing Gary to the label. It seems likely that the strategy will catch on. A representative of IRS has already been spotted trying to sell copies of New Anger outside the US Congress, and Receiver Records have been sending 23-year old women to the White House loaded down with tacky compilation CDs. The latter company seems to have hit upon the best idea so far - a free blowjob with every CD sold. Bill Clinton now has every single Receiver Records compilation in triplicate, and is keen to acquire more.