The average Gary Numan fan is a keen collector of his work. They are often prepared to fork out obscene amounts of money for a rare item, even if the item itself is intrinsically a load of crap. They also tend to collect various other Numan stuff, like posters, T-shirts, mouse mats, Telekon bubble gum, badges, tour programmes etc etc etc.

But let's face it, anyone with more money than sense can do that! My collection of Numan memorabilia is truly outstanding, because it concentrates on a much more specialised kind of item. I don't collect vinyl, CDs, videos or any of the usual junk. I collect stuff with a more human feel to it. Stuff that really gives you a feel of Gary Numan the man. Not to put too fine a point on it, I like collecting Numan's bodily wastes. Over the years I've managed to obtain a number of prized items, and now I'm taking the opportunity to display some of my collection. Please enjoy this unique exhibition.

Urine sample.
As is generally known, Gary Numan had to make a forced landing in India during his Round The World flight. What's not so well known is that during his period of house arrest, when the authorities thought he might be a spy, Gary was forced to provide a urine sample. Part of it was used for analysis (negative for cocaine etc, positive for Walls' Pork Chipolatas), and the rest was simply left in the vial. In 1983 I was able to track down the official responsible for the storage of Gary's sample and I persuaded him, by threatening his wife and children, to hand it over to me.

Although it is now over 20 years old and very smelly indeed, it is my most prized possession and I wouldn't part with it for any amount of money.



Navel fluff.
In 1981 Gary began harvesting his own navel fluff, as he was beginning to make arrangements for his first hair transplant and thought the fluff might come in handy. When the date of the operation arrived, Gary took his fluff to the clinic with him. The surgeon explained that although most hair transplants at the time looked as if navel fluff had been used, that was not actually the case. I will never divulge who the surgeon was or how I was able to get him to hand the fluff over to me, but in case he ever reads this I'd like to remind him that I still have the video of him and the llama.



This was so easy to obtain. One Saturday in November 1986 I was stalking Gary as usual. He had a bad cold, and was streaming with snot. He filled a Kleenex with the stuff and threw it into a nearby rubbish bin. As you can imagine, I was ecstatic! As soon as his back was turned I rushed over to the bin, and grabbed the tissue before anyone else could beat me to it. I was so excited at getting this prize addition to my collection that I gave up stalking Gary for the day and took it straight back home. Of course I didn't keep it there for long - first thing on Monday I placed it in my bank safety deposit box with the rest of my priceless treasures.



Another one of my favourite items, it's also increasingly rare because now that Gary is married he doesn't wear the same Y-fronts for a month at a time. But back in 1982 his personal hygiene was not so great, and the skiddies became so encrusted in the cloth that even napalm wouldn't shift them.



Gemma's candle.
Gary only began making candles recently, so it's not surprising that some of them are not your normal candle shape. This particular candle is actually the first one he ever made, and it must have been a case of beginners' luck because it resembles a candle more than most of his later efforts. Gary proudly gave this one to his wife Gemma, who was understandably delighted and indeed didn't let go of it for several months. Eventually she went shopping for some petroleum jelly, and I was able to break into the house and steal the candle. Whilst this is a great item, it is unfortunately not in perfect condition. For one thing, it has strange marks which look as if someone tried to open it to insert some batteries. Although it has never been lit it does look strangely worn, and it does have a rather strong smell of fish..



OK, so I'll admit it wasn't quite what I was after, but it's still quite a cool and unusual addition to my collection. I wanted to know more about Gary and Gemma's sex life, so I concealed a home-made seismograph under the matress and recorded what went on. Unfortunately there was no shagging that night, but I got the next best thing - a genuine recording of a Numan fart. It seemed to be a fairly minor event to begin with, presumably because Gary was trying to let it out silently in the hope that Gemma wouldn't notice. But then he lost sphincter control, and the seismograph nearly went into meltdown. This major activity was followed by one or two significant aftershocks, and at one point he nearly "followed through", before things settled down to normal. Fortunately Gemma didn't notice a thing - the initial silent but deadly burst put her into a coma for several hours.
I also managed to get an audio recording of the whole thing. Artful Records have already expressed interest in it, as they are considering releasing a new Numan single within the next couple of months.