These days, the press don't hate Gary as much as they used to. It may seem silly, but I kind of miss reading all the outrageous rubbish they used to write about him. So I've decided to take matters into my own hands and make up my own pack of lies; and I had to give them their own page because everything else on Outland is 100% true.


The real reason Gary doesn't like Philadelphia.
In a recent interview, Gary Numan said that he hadn't enjoyed the Philadelphia gig as much as the others. There is a very good reason for this - due to poor ticket sales the original Philly gig fell through, and so a replacement gig was quickly lined up at the last moment, leading to this embarassing Spinal Tap moment.....



Gary Numan's apperarance on a TV game show.
Gary Numan recently filmed an appearance on a special celebrity edition of the popular quiz show Who Used To Be A Millionaire. Gary was disappointed with his performance, getting an easy question wrong and not even winning enough to keep him in Ecstasy for the weekend. The show is due to screen in the next couple of weeks.



Numan's biggest fan.
You may be wondering what happened to King Kong. Well, you probably aren't, but I'll tell you anyway. Unfortunately he never fulfilled the promise he showed in his 1933 movie debut, and his later films were really dire. His career went into a seemingly terminal decline, and he was reduced to fighting it out with Godzilla in crappy Japanese movies. He has now decided to give up acting altogether, and is about to launch a new career in music. Kong is, in every way, a massive Gary Numan fan, so his new album is going to be very heavily Numan-influenced. Synths will feature very strongly, and Kong's singing voice is considered to be about on a par with Numan's. In an attempt to distance himself from his acting career, he has also decided to change his name, and so his new album is to be released under the name of TELEKONG.



Another compilation album.
Receiver Records are about to release yet another Numan compilation album. This will be their 75th Numan CD, which is not bad considering they only ever had the tapes of about 35 songs. It appears that even Receiver Records themselves have begun to recognise that this situation is getting a bit silly, which might explain the artwork for the new CD........



New comedy album.
As all true Numan fans are aware, Gary has really had three careers over the last 20 years or so. In addition to his music and flying careers, he is also one of the UK's top stand-up comedians. For the last 20 years he has regularly performed his routines on the northern Working Men's Club circuit, where his impressive mother-in-law jokes have been particularly popular. A live stand-up album, recorded at the Scunthorpe British Legion, is about to be released under the title A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Shepherd's Bush Empire. It includes all of Gary's classic jokes, including the one about the nuns and the walrus.



This story is strange, but untrue. Whilst putting the finishing touches to his new album, Gary decided that he wanted one track to feature the sound of the Devil farting in God's face. This seemed easy enough to achieve - Gary simply ate a big plate of beans and headed down to the studio. He waited until a great big juicy one was brewing, then dropped his pants and let rip into the sampler. Unfortunately, Gary mixed up the sampler with his particle accelerator. No-one is quite sure what that was doing in there, as it would appear to be a bit extreme even for a techo-freak like Gary Numan. Anyway, the deadly fart caused a runaway chain reaction, which led to a radioactive ray being shot back up Gary's arse. Over the next 24 hours he grew enormously, to the point where he is now 500 metres tall and has been renamed Gazilla

Being so big is a mixed blessing. Gary has always wanted to be taller, and he wanted to be a big star again, but this was not quite what he had in mind, and there are several drawbacks. For example, whilst it might seem advantageous to have the biggest willy in the world, it is in fact a problem because when he comes there isn't enough Kleenex in the world to hold it all. In addition, the ground quakes when he walks about, and his breath is capable of destroying entire cities. Japanese authorities have revoked his visa as a precaution. Gary claims that this is unnecessary - he is still the same person he was before, except bigger, and he is not looking to cause any harm. He says he really hasn't changed significantly, in fact his breath was always fairly lethal as a result of his all-sausage diet.
The really good news about this whole situation is the fact that Eagle Records dare not fuck up the release of his new album.



Gary invented Post-its.
In the movie Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, the girls tried to claim that they had invented Post-its. This blew up in their faces, which was not surprising really since everyone knows that Post-its were actually invented by Gary Numan.

Gary's misguided attempt to project a corporate image, in order to promote his invention.



Sponsorship deal.
Encouraged by his past link with Premier lager, Gary recently signed a new 3 year sponsorship deal with Absolut vodka. The new album is to be called "Absolut", and will include a new version of the song "Absolution", slightly modified of course. As part of the deal, the forthcoming Absolut Tour will feature Gary swigging the stuff by the bucketful in between songs. Fans in the front row are warned that by the end of the gig Gary is likely to be performing impromptu versions of "Bridge? What Bridge?"

This is Absolut
Photo: Dave Pipe



Jake the Peg.
Legendary entertainer Rolf Harris has decided that at 70 years of age he is too old to continue performing in the guise of Jake the Peg. Rather than see his favourite character retire, Gary has volunteered to take over the role, and has already had some publicity photos taken in his new Jake the Peg costume. Contrary to some reports, Gary is using the same false leg that Rolf used for Jake. He is not simply taking Viagra and using his own "middle leg" for that purpose. Apparently this is because the shoe kept falling off.



Martial Atrs movie.
Gary recently returned from Hong Kong, where he finished filming his role in the forthcoming movie Enter the Dragon. It was Gary's mastery of Kung Nu which won him the role, which is quite a prestigious one since he features prominently in the scene from which the film takes its name (see picture). There is no word yet as to whether or not Gary performed his own stunts. He has apparently not yet committed himself to a sequel, though the dragon said she is very keen.



New album.

Gary's new album will be released on schedule. And the record company will not stuff up the distribution.



Gary's out of body experience.

Some of Gary's fans go to great lengths to look like him, but in 1986 one fan went just TOO far. He sneaked into Gary's house one night, and surgically removed Gary's entire body, leaving our hero as a brain in a jar. Gary was somewhat surprised, to say the least, when he woke up the next morning. It was because of this that the "Strange Charm" album was so hard for Gary to make. It wasn't that he lacked for ideas, he was totally unable to play any musical instruments at all. In fact, most of the album was recorded by Mike Smith, acting on instructions which Gary was able to give him via an oscilloscope. Obviously there could be no tour to promote the album, as Gary was worried that his new look would be a bit much for most fans to take. The biggest problem, though, was Gary's sex life. He may just have been a brain, but he still got urges. Unfortunately, the only way he could get any gratification was for his girlfriend to dip her tits into his jar and jiggle them around in the water. Eventually, Tony Webb spotted the body thief at a Numan convention, when he noticed someone who bore just too strong a resemblance to Gary. With the help of the rest of the family, Tony was able to trap the thief and regain possession of Gary's body. Gary's brain was successfully replaced in the body, with no ill-effects at all, except perhaps for his head's new tendency to bang up and down a lot while he performs on stage.



Numan is Scottish!!!!!.

It's true - Gary is really Scottish!!!! Unlike Rod Stewart, who is a professional Scotsman although he was actually born in England, Gary is a closet Scot. Sure, there have been little hints along the way. For example, he's often been accused of tight-fistedness, and his latest hair transplant was an attempt to emulate Dennis Law's hair, but it wasn't until this photo was taken on New Year's Eve (or Hogmany as Gary calls it) that there was ever any real proof. Our photographer found out the hard way exactly what a Scotsman keeps under his kilt - in Gary's case it's a baseball bat, so be careful not to get caught peeking!



Gary Numan's secret life as a Morris Dancer.

Morris dancing is a traditional part of English life, much like football hooliganism but without the charm. Gary Numan first got into Morris dancing when he was a teenaged punk rocker. Gary only turned up in the first place because he thought it was something to do with dancing on cars (he'd just seen Grease at the cinema), and was initially shocked when he discovered the gruesome truth. However, Gary is nothing if not a trier, and after a couple of sessions he found he enjoyed Morris dancing. Naturally, he tried to keep his two lives totally seperate, but he got caught out when he turned up to a Mean Street rehearsal in his Morris dancing clothes by mistake - this was the incident which led to him being kicked out the band, and it also inspired Mean Street's "Our ex-singer is a f**king Morris dancer" single. Gary did briefly try to get Gemma to take up Morris dancing too, but faced with her threat of divorce he decided not to push the issue.



"Mr Gary".
Just before making it big in the music business, Gary landed a job as the presenter on the Basil Brush Show. As Mr Gary he struggled to keep Basil in check, especially when reading the story at the end of each week's show. Gary had to leave the show in the autumn of 1979, as it clashed with his tour to promote the Pleasure Principle. Basil had enjoyed working with Mr Gary, and was a bit pissed off about his sidekick deserting him. Over the years this incident festered in Basil's mind. Eventually he got connected to the Internet, assumed the name "Nick Fox", and got his revenge by taunting Gary online and stealing his video camera.



Gary's little accident.

Gary was more than a little nervous at the start of the 1991 Outland tour. He was in serious financial difficulty, and he needed the album and tour to do well. As the start of the first gig approached, Gary drank more and more Coca-cola, which in fact made the problem even worse. By the time the concert was due to begin, Gary was suffering from full-blown stage fright, so much so that he actually pissed his pants during the second song. Ever the trouper, Gary finished the show, though for some strange reason he was unable to pick up any girls at the after-show party that night.



Gary was a member of The Beatles.
John Lennon and Paul McCartney were continually falling out, even in the early days of The Beatles. After one fight in late 1963 led to blows, Paul quit the band and swore he'd never return. The remaining Beatles decided to give the band's identity a radical change, so they drafted in Gary Numan as the replacement. Gary was to play all the keyboards, write some of the songs, and handle some of the lead vocals. He was not, under any circumstances, to attempt to harmonise his voice with John's or George's. Things went very well, with Gary contributing some memorable songs, including the immortal "While My Polymoog Gently Weeps", "I Want to Hold Your Tits", "Drive My Cars", and "Magical Mystery Round-the-world-flight". After a year or so, however, Gary got sick of Ringo's endless knock-knock jokes and left the band to resume his solo career. McCartney, whose own solo career had been going exactly nowhere, rejoined the band immediately, and Gary's songs were reworked accordingly. Thanks to the efforts of the band's spin doctors, few people now even remember that Gary was ever a Beatle.

A true collector's item - a genuine album cover featuring Gary instead of Paul.



Gary Numan's really wierd paternity case.
Despite being a bit shaken up by his alien abduction experience in 1991, Gary assumed that it was all behind him, so he just put it to the back of his mind and got on with his life. What a trouper! However, it turns out that Gary had a night of wild, uninhibited sex with his abductor, who has since given birth to a hybrid son, who she/it has named Gary after his father. The mother is has now launched a paternity suit against Gary, in the highest court of her home planet of Zoggstroth. This could be very bad news for Gary, as the standard maintenance payment on Zoggstroth is 10 Zoggs per month per child, and a Zogg is roughly equivalent to a pile of platinum equal in size to the pile of unsold "Berserker" vinyl LPs stashed away in Gary's garage.
Gary is considering counter-suing for entrapment, claiming the she told him that she was just giving him a blowjob and so he wouldn't need to use a condom. "Sometimes it's hard to tell which orifice is which when you're shagging an alien", Gary is reported to have said. "Even though there was no lipstick on my dipstick, I believed what she told me. But now I think she deliberately got pregnant. I suppose I'm lucky it didn't happen when I got abducted the week before, as that one was an insectoid and they have 100,000 offspring at a time. The college fund alone would have been enormous!".

The alleged mother of Gary's love child



Miscellaneous Lies.
  • The words on "Fallen" may sound like they're backwards, but they're not. Gary is actually singing in Klingon. The translation is "My life is one of pain and misery, and will continue to be until I have the operation for my bleeding piles".
  • Gary was born twice, because his Mum forgot to take her tights off the first time.
  • The Wembley 1981 gigs have been widely misreported. Instead of being a complete retirement, or even just a retirement from live work, they were in fact meant to mark the retirement of Gary's own hair from public life. That's why they were billed as the Hairwell shows.
  • Numan's record sales slumped dramatically after Wembley 1981. This was not the result of any drop in popularity, it was because all the fans who attended were blinded by the light show, so they couldn't find their way to the record shop any more.
  • If you stick your finger up Gary's nose his eyes rotate in opposite directions.
  • Gary has a new pet, namely a turnip called Gerald.
  • Gary has been approached to provide the voice of Muttley for a new movie version of The Wacky Races.
  • John Webb's middle name is Marmaduke.
  • Scientific tests have shown that Gary has a pH of 6.3
  • Gary's new Alien Studio was knitted by his Mum.
  • Initial copies of the Numa Records CD "The Fury" are soluble in water.
  • Almost 17 million people attended Gary's Wembley shows in 1981.
  • Gary has 3 nipples.
  • Due to a clerical error, Gary was Pope Gary the First for a brief period in 1978.
  • Tony Webb was the UK Monopoly champion in 1985.
  • The cassette version of Berserker includes Gary's cover version of Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree
  • Gary's new studio album is to be titled Dennis
  • Gary is taller than Pino Palladino
  • Gary has one green eye and one blue eye. He wears a tinted contact lens over the green one to avoid being mistaken for David Bowie.
  • Gary once dated a girl who had webbed feet.
  • No electricity is used for the lights at Gary's shows. They rely entirely on Gary's telekinetic powers.
  • Gary wants to take up golf, because he likes the clothes.
  • Gary has been selected for the England cricket team. He is not any good at cricket, it's simply his turn.
  • The promoter of the Exile European tour paid Gary his fee in bratwurst.
  • Gary's favourite halogen is bromine.
  • Gary's new EC driver's licence entitles him to drive a panzer.
  • Gary is fond of animals because St Francis of Asissi was his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather.