Gary Numan has been around a long time, and during his career he has been a strong influence on a surprisingly large number of famous people. Many of these people have been 'Closet Numanoids', as they have been mindful of the bad press attracted by all things Numan. However, with the aid of an excellent network of spies, a large bottle of vodka and an overactive imagination I have been able to dig up the dirt on these celebrities and publish it here. Believe it or not, but the following stars, politicians and religious maniacs are/were all fans of Gary Numan.


Maggie Thatcher
In 1984, Gary Numan made a number of statements in which he praised Margaret Thatcher and her Conservative Government. Even Gary must have been surprised by Maggie's response. At the 1984 Conservative Party Conference she delivered her keynote speech wearing full Berserker make up and sporting a Gary Numan tattoo on her inner thigh. Many of the delegates were shocked, and if he'd had a heart Norman Tebbut surely would have had a heart attack, but Maggie insisted on proclaiming her loyalty to Gary. The decline in sales of Numan records can be traced back to this point. Apparently, Maggie's husband Dennis was rather taken by the sex-shop bondage gear of the Warriors image, but he only wore it at home in private (and only then if Maggie promised to spank him).


Mikhail Gorbachev
Whereas most Soviet leaders from Lenin onwards had been, at best, indifferent to Gary's music, Gorbachev is a big fan. His magnificent record collection includes every Numan record to be released in the USSR, and he even went to the extent of having the Numa logo tattooed on his forehead. Gorby was drunk at the time, and so was the tattooist, which explains the poor quality of the logo (it's not really due to my ineptitude at doctoring the photo).


Jim Jones
Enigmatic messianic crackpot Jim Jones was another famous person to be a Numanoid, at least in private. He frequently used to play Numan songs in his own private recording studio in Guyana, although he was a totally incompetent musician. His favourite Numan song was, reportedly, I Die : You Die.


Although there are several Numanoids in Toyland, Noddy is by far the most enthusiatic. He queued for days to get his tickets to all 3 nights at Wembley in 1981, and he still says that they were the most exciting nights of his life (which upset Tessie Bear greatly). Noddy's favourite image is the Telekon Space Cadet look, and he loved the car that Gary used when performing Down In The Park so much that he has resprayed his own little car to match it.


Adolf Hitler

Just back from a Touring Principle concert, Hitler practices copying Gary's stage act.
This may come as a surprise to many people, but Hitler specifically told Himmler to model the SS uniform on the Replicas album cover, though he said that they could probably lose the black nail polish. Hitler loved Gary's early work, and according to his recently-discovered diaries he only intended to invade England because he was pissed off with having to pay import prices for his Numan records in Germany.


Thomas The Tank Engine
Children's favourite Thomas was a spectator at one of Gary's airshows, and was very taken with the stunts he performed in his Harvard, which was painted up to look like a Japanese Zero. Thomas demanded that he too should be painted as a Zero, and he refused to write any more books or make any more TV shows until he got his way. As you can see, the Fat Controller eventually gave in to his star's temper tantrum, and now Thomas has to undergo 3 hours of make-up each day of filming so that he appears to be his original blue colour on TV.


Judas Iscariot
For selling Jesus, Judas originally asked for the Chief Pharisee's signed copy of The Blue Album, but the Pharisee wouldn't part with it any price, and Judas settled for a Gold Amex card with a credit limit of 30 silver pieces.


Rabid Numanoid Barbie

Here in my campervan, I feel safest of all...
Barbie has been in love with Gary Numan for as long as she can remember, which is the main reason why she won't go "all the way" with her long suffering boyfriend Ken. Ken is not particularly keen on Numan, as he doesn't have a moustache like his favourite pop acts : the Village People and Freddie Mercury. This might also explain why Ken has not been trying very hard to get Barbie to go all the way.


Pamela Anderson's Breasts
Click here to see some really hot porn
Unlike their owner, "The Twins" have minds of their own. They probably have the biggest profile of any Numanoids in the world at the moment. Both are members of the GNFC, with the left one being chairbreast of the California branch. Being made of silicon, they naturally feel a strong affinity with Gary's computerised music. Their favourite songs are "We Are Glass", "Pump me Up" and "Are You Real?"


The Fat Slags
Most of the characters out of Viz Comic are Numanoids. Johnny Fartpants can pump out a great version of Are "Friends" Electric, and Buster Gonad has been known to dye his Unfeasibly Large Testicles blue. The Fat Slags claim to have been Numan groupies since 1978, and to have shagged Gary on every tour he's ever done. Sandra, who could suck-start a Polymoog, claims that she was the real Jo The Waiter, with whom Gary had sex in the Gents' toilet, whilst Tracy claims that in "Everyday I Die" Gary was having a wank whilst looking at some polaroids of her that she'd sent him. They both say that the best place to shag Gary is in the cockpit of his Harvard during aerobatics. They are confident that even when he is married Gary will not be able to stay away from them.


Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson is one of the most famous Numanoids of all. It is well known that he based his Mad Max character on Gary's Warriors image. Since that time his favourite image has been the Berserker look. The only problem is that Mel is really bad at applying make-up, and just can't get the blue and white to go in the right places. Honestly, you'd think that with all his money he could pay someone else to do it for him.


Bananas In Pyjamas

B2 : "Are you thinking what I'm thinking B1?"
B1 : "It fucking well doesn't look like it B2!!!!"
B1 and B2 are too young to remember the time when Gary first became a star. They first got into his music when they heard Exile tracks on Triple J radio, which they were listening to in a Sydney crack house. Since then they have been hooked, and have gone and bought every Numan CD they could lay their huge yellow hands on. For the first time ever, B1 and B2 disagree on something! B1 is massively into the Telekon look and wants them to rename themselves "Yellow Fruits in Jumpsuits", whilst B2 prefers the late 90's look and wants them to become the "Yellow Fruits in Exile Boots".



The Writing on the Wall :

King Belshazzar of Babylon gets a bit of a shock.
It's true! God is a closet Numan fan. Although He has never publicly stated the fact, there are innumerable examples of Him working in mysterious ways to help Gary's career. Was it an accident that Gary stumbled upon a Minimoog in the studio one day? Just how has Gary managed to avoid being mangled in a plane crash? Who really made him get rid of Kipper? All of these show God working secretly behind the scenes. Recently, God has been a little more obvious in His support. This would explain why the Pope did a cover version of "A Question of Faith" on his new CD (he wanted to do "Cars" but God wouldn't let him, thank God). It also explains the totally amazing Miracle of the Unbiased NME Review which was seen by thousands of stunned music fans a few months ago.


Tammy Wynette
The AFE site's Fan Interview has the question "If Gary released a country and western album, would you buy it?". Most of the answers are unprintable, even on this site, but one fan who most certainly would have bought it was Tammy Wynette. Ms Wynette tried hard to sing like Gary, but sadly she had to sing country songs because no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't get that twang out of her voice. Although she was unable to sound like Numan, she was able to write songs about him, including the world famous hit "Stand By Numan". This song, written just after Machine and Soul was released, exhorted Numan fans to keep the faith and to rally behind Gary :

Stand by Numan

Sometimes it's hard being Gary Numan
Making CDs for so few fans
Now he's nearly bankrupt
And his label's defunct
He sure could use a helping hand

Stand by Numan
He needs some fans to cling to
And someone warm to shag, too
When nights are cold and lonely

Stand by Numan
And tell the world you love him
Ignore their laughter if you can
Baby, stand by Numan.