Introduction

Numanthropology is the big, wanky name which scientists have given to the study of Numankind. It is a new field of study, as it was only in recent years that Numanoids have been recognised as being a different species to the common or garden human being. The two are closely related, and although they appear to have evolved seperately for at least 3 million years their development has been parallel in many ways.

 

The evolution of Numankind

Numanoids and hominids share a common ancestor, the grotty little apeman Australopithecus afarensis, which lived in Africa over 3 million years ago. From A.afarensis the genus Homo also evolved in Africa, but recent digs in Middlesex have shown that the species was also the ancestor of the first species to show Numanoid characteristics.

Australopithecus protonuma

This was a very primitive proto-numanoid species, and was physically similar to other Australopithecines. As mentioned above, however, its geographical location was very different. A. protonuma was small, only about 4 feet high, with a relatively small brain. It was, however, capable of using tools. Whereas other Australopithecines used only sharpened sticks and stones, A. protonuma made and used eyeliner pencils, and also used plant extracts to dye their shaggy hair a striking blue colour. It is primarily this use of make-up which indicates that this species was a precursor to the true Numanoids which followed. As indicated in the illustration, this species also used tree branches as crude rounders bats.

Numa habilus

This is the earliest species of the genus Numa, and it is considerably more advanced than its predecessor. It still made heavy use of make-up, but had greatly expanded the range of tools it used. Whereas its Homo counterparts were making clumsy weapons such as spears, N. habilus was more peaceful and creative, making nothing more destructive than crude analogue synthesizers. The skulls found in the famous Staines site show some interesting dentition. The sharpened canines and incisors were ideal for tearing through the skins of sausages, which were the main food of this species. There were no molars at all, indicating that N. habilus ate no vegetables, a trait shared by all its descendents. The teeth of all specimens show a substantial amount of decay, which is generally thought to be caused by the large consumption of cola drinks.

Numa erectus

This species is believed to have begun the Numanoid tradition of shagging everything that crossed its path. Males are believed to have shagged over 500 females each, and indeed to have been ready for it at any time. It was for this reason that the species was named Numa erectus, meaning "Hard-on man". In some of the caves in which fossils of this species have been found, several strange-looking geological strata turned out to consist entirely of condoms, which over the milennia had been compressed to form rock. The staple food item was still the sausage, indeed several cave paintings show N. erectus males hunting sabre-toothed sausages. Later on they hunted wild sausages to extinction, and so the females began to use horses' willies as a substitute. When horses became scarce they simply resorted to making artificial sausages from offal, a practice which still continues today. Like almost all Numanoids, this species drank vast amounts of cola. However, in some sites in the Far East the usual remains of coke bottles were absent, being replaced by heavily-encrusted coffee cups. For this reason these populations are sometimes considered to be a seperate species, known as "Java Man", though most Numanthropologists think that's a load of bollocks. Musically, analogue synths were still the main instruments, though these were mainly polysynths and so were an advance on the more primitive versions used by N. habilus. This was the first species to wear clothing. Animal hides would be tied together to make crude jumpsuits, with fur trilby hats also being common.

Numa sapiens

This is the Numanoid which still exists today. It is much more sophisticated than N. erectus, with even quite early fossils showing digital synths and sequencers very similar to those still in use today. It is even believed that the same drum sample CDs have been in use for thousands of years (or maybe it just seems like it). N. sapiens was only proved to be a seperate species to Homo sapiens as recently as 1979. This was largely because of the incredibly good mimicry by which the Numanoid hides itself amongst the large herds of H. sapiens, the only known example of Batesian mimicry amongst primates. The diet is still largely sausages and coke, though this has been supplemented with potato ever since the revolutionary invention of the chip. Vegetables are still not touched. No-one is sure if this is because they are actually poisonous to Numanoids; it might just as easily be because of some ancient tribal taboo.

This page is still under construction. Expect more complete and utter bollocks to appear here.